I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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