Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
