Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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