im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
