porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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