guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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