It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
