Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
