He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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