I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
