I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
