I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
a search helicopter?!
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
