No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
