Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
