My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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