cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
