Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
