Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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