Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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