Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
