i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
