Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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