Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
