I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
