Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
