I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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