you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
