He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
