She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
