i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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