When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
