i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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