i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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