Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
