Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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