my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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