so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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