I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
