i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
