I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
