just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
