I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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