There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
