This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize