dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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