I wanna bring you to show and tell
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
