Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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