thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize