I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
