I will die if light touches me.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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