I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
