First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
