Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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