I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
