My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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