I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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