Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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