Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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