I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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