You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
