Have you finally orgasmed yet?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize