Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
