Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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