Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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