screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
All the doctor said was why
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize