I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
